Thursday, May 15, 2008

On Another Planet... might work out a little differently.

This little cautionary tale is more about the K-Rove than it is anything else. Nonetheless - BEWARE OF PROCESSES! Sometime they carry out all the way instead of short circuiting! And that's what a short primary is BTW in today's rules. A short circuit. Many are bypassed, and they shouldn't be.

I favor a National Primary, with Runoffs. It would spare us so much of the incivility amongst factions that I see these days.

Regardless, I offer, Barbie, Super Delegate On A Different Planet!

Text follows for any dial-up users, to clear up any hard to hear words, or lack of skill on the videographer's part. (That would be me.)

Characters: UC, Barbie, Kweety, “The Planet Klooge”, "Kobama" & "Kalinton", “The Great Orange Katan: Koz”, “Krove, the Robot” and the “Great Prize.”

SCENE BEGINS: UC begins relating story of weird thing that happened the other day.

UC: So I get this telepathic call from Kweety, the Alien. He’s from Planet Klooge, and that’s just how they make a call. Anyway, I barely know the little silver bastard and I was suspicious from the very start. (harp sound, dissolve)

KWEETY: Greetings Unconventional One. Your presence at the Kloogeementum is required. Report to the teleporter immediately.

UC: Hang on a second here. What teleporter and what the hell is a Kloogeementum, and why am I required?

KWEETY: I forgot you aren’t fluent in Klooge. In your earth language you would say “Konwhenchun.” To save time, I will just transport you by remote control.

(UC beams into interior of KWEETY’s space ship.)

UC: Whoa, that was freaky. I never teleported before. Kinda unpleasant.

KWEETY: But we’ll have to do it again. Planet Klooge Department of Homeworld Security rules forbid teleporting you directly from Earth. Your planet is a security risk.

(UC & KWEETY beam into the Great Hall on Planet Klooge.)

UC: OK, now just what the hell am I doing here Kweety?

KWEETY: The Barbie is required. Her presence is needed to break the tie in our Klooge-emium, how you say “Konwhenchun.” The Barbie, the “Kapow”, the tie-breaker, we have lost track of her.

UC: Kapow? What does that have to do with me?

KWEETY: We thought you knew. You are her alternate. She chose you during the sacred blood and whiskey oath. Now you are Kapow, worth 10,000 Klooge votes.

UC: (shaking head, resigned) OK, what do I have to do?

KWEETY: We thought you knew. Klooge kind compete for the Great Prize. You must choose which Klooge will get the Great Prize. I will introduce you now. This is Klooge “Kobama.”

KOBAMA: Greetings Unconventional One. I am Kobama. My name means “Hope” in your earth language.

KWEETY: I thought you knew that already. And this is Klooge Kalinton.

KALINTON: Greetings Unconventional One. I am Kalinton. My name means “Experience” in your earth language.

KWEETY: Choose now.

UC: Just hold on a minute. I have some questions and this seems like a big deal to you guys, and I want to make the right choice. I like Hope and I like Experience both a lot from what I see, but it’s a tie between you guys evidently. Was anybody named “Wise and Just” in the running? If he was less than 10,000 Klooge votes behind either of you, I might just choose that way.

KWEETY: I thought you knew that already. “Wise and Just” in our language is “Kucinich.” He stopped competing for the Great Prize. He became highly unpopular in the contest after he said he believed in earthlings.

UC: Ha ha, very funny. By the way, what does Kweety mean in my language?

KWEETY: I believe you would say “Cocktail Weenie Party Circuit Pundit.” I thought you knew that already. Nevertheless, hurry up and Choose Now. The Great Prize Awaits!

UC: What exactly is the Great Prize?

KWEETY: Behold! (Picture of the Great Prize – a Golden Egg.)
(Dramatic music, explosion and flame erupts. an imposing Klooge has appeared.)

THE GREAT ORANGE KATAN: Stop! I am the Great Orange Katan! You may call me Koz! Listen to me earthling, Kalinton is DESTROYING THE KLOOGES! Kalinton can never attain the Great Prize! Your duty as Kapow is to choose Kobama! I have Spoken!

(Barbie beams in via transporter.)

BARBIE: Hi everybody. Hi Unconventional one, Sorry I’m late. I was partying in the Mexican Riviera and my Klooge-chip coverage is really bad down there.

UC: Good, now YOU can be Kapow instead of me. I can’t tell the difference between all these people except the big orange dude.

(Next shot Barbie is topless)

BARBIE: KAPOW! I choose…

(Dramatic music swells, and Krove the Robot releases a bomb trying to kill all the Klooges, then disappears…)

UC: How Horrible! What was that?

THE GREAT ORANGE KATAN: I was afraid that would happen…It was Krove, the evil robot.

BARBIE: Well it just goes to show you. It doesn’t matter with all my Kapow powers, you gotta be careful of that god-damn Krove, goes he always wants to kill the Klooge that made it to the Golden Egg. Hmmmm…..(Barbie shoots power beams out of her tits and Kweety explodes..)

UC: Barbie! Why did you do that?

BARBIE: I think Kweety was in on it the whole time. You know those types. Hey Katan –


BARBIE: It’s a good thing that these Kobama and Kalinton Klooges were clones. You almost helped Krove destroy the REAL hope and the REAL experience AND lose the Great Prize. So you better behave a little more nicely to ALL your fellow Klooges, or else I’ll aim the Kapow tits on YOU!

BARBIE: Come on Unconventional baby, let me take you home.

UC: I hate that teleporter thing.

BARBIE: Don’t worry, We'll just take Kweety's ship. He doesn't need it. Let’s go.

UC: Awesome

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